Most people know that to cheat on your husband and wife is considered a sin from the theological viewpoint. However, it really goes a lot deeper than that. According to Jesus, infidelity starts long before any physical act, and is not just limited to the physical act. Moreover, his standards on fidelity set the bar a lot higher than just not cheating on your husband or wife.
I’ll explain. During his time on earth, Jesus went to great effort to convince people that being a true Christian was more than just following a set of rules. This is evident in almost everything he said, but I’ll use as an example these excerpts from his famous Sermon on the Mount:
“You heard that it was said to those of ancient times, ‘you must not murder; but whoever commits a murder will be accountable to the court of justice.’ However I say to you that everyone who continues wrathful with his brother will be accountable to the court of justice…” (Matt 5:21-22)
The principle here is that Christians need to condition their hearts before any event potentially leading to sin ever comes along- they must work on shedding any anger or hatred that they harbor and develop peace and love within their hearts. This way, at times of trial, they will avoid sin because their deeply held beliefs have changed them from the inside out- not because they’ve successfully followed the “rules” by suppressing the murderous impulses in their heart.
Likewise, in verse 27:
“You heard that it was said, ‘You must not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that everyone that keeps on looking at a woman so as to have a passion for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”
So, we can learn from these passages that what Jesus demands of something more- true, heartfelt fidelity and restraint. Imagine how great a marriage could be where both parties literally only had eyes for one another, never allowing themselves to look outside of the marriage long enough to fall into an emotional or physical affair.
To some whose relationship has fallen on hard times, this may seem like a daunting standard. However, the Bible provides us with the solid principles we need to make this state of heartfelt fidelity a reality. This will be the subject of our next post.
My wife had an affair over twenty years ago. We remained together, raised one daughter, but its been very difficult. I can’t quit thinking about it. Since the affair, my wife has wanted very little to do with me. I always seem to be less important than what she thinks needs to be done such as chores around the house, going and getting a coffee that seems to take hours for her to accomplish. I know that I am tired of feeling the pain of what happened years ago. We have few good days together. After all this time, I feel like I want to move on and try to find love. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if it is right to leave since her affair happened 20 years ago. Just this last fall (200 she would sometimes leave for work earlier than she normally did. She would leave at 4 am and not get back home from work until around 7:30 pm. This was the same pattern she had done before when she had her affair. I am thinking that she may have done it again. I got up the nerve to confront her about it and naturally she denied it. I don’t know what to do. The religion that I belong to will only allow divorce for infidelity. Like I mentioned it has been 20 years since her affair, that I can affirm happened. I know that I have been lonely and dealt with the feeling of not being wanted everyday since. The few good days we have together anymore, to me, just isn’t worth the effort anymore. I just feel like I want to move on to find love but I don’t know if I am allowed to because of my religion.
Dear Dieta, sorry to hear of your pain. Obviously I don’t know what religion you belong to, but I can say that from a biblical perspective, adultery is the one grounds a married person does have for a legitimate divorce in God’s eyes. Read Matthew chapter 19, you need the context to understand verse 9 properly, but Jesus says “whoever divorces his wife, except on the grounds of fornication, and marries another commits adultery.” Adultery is seen as breaking the sacred marriage arrangement that marriage partners enter into before God. If she is having another affair, well, only you can decide what to do about that, but the bible does clearly give you the option for divorce in this case.
You may be right in thinking that an affair from 20 years ago may not be something to end a marriage over, as you have presumably forgiven her and resumed your relationship as a married couple. Perhaps it would be wise to get some counseling to deal with your sense of betrayal and grief, and to help rebuild your relationship with your wife. It may be that she is doing nothing wrong but you have simply grown apart, which counseling and talking openly together may help with. Tell her what you are feeling and what you need, you may be surprised to hear her say a similar thing.
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